and … Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? Via Getty Images/ Dalton Rasmussen / EyeEm. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day — that’s a bit of a stretch. Please do not leave children or spouses.". "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Glance at these really cool witty single liners and forget about your bad mood forever. 3 says, "So am I. If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis. Carlos! Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. My father is schizophrenia, but he’s good people. Keep the dream alive — hit your snooze button. A lot of people don’t realize that. What do you need after a tough day at work? Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland? - You can't have everything, where would you put it? She has published three web humor books and six calendars, including You Had One Job! - If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience. Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”? I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke. Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend? I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. '” — Peter Kay. - A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”, “I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. Your friends would be amused. You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see. of 50? “At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. But not today, as I’m sick. “, “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step he is too old to go anywhere.” — Billy Crystal, “Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” — Jerry Seinfeld, “Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. Any married person should forget his mistakes. - You have the right to remain silent; Anything you say will be misquoted, That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. I had an “hour glass” figure, but then the sand shifted. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin. 1. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” Peter Kay. Why do bees hum? I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory: all I did was take a day off! - What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any. My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas. - If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. I have a friend. Money talks: mine always says is goodbye. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. And then we met. The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. ", "What do you call someone who graduates last in their class from Med school? Please remember to share this page. Jokes About Marriage, Husbands and Wives ~ Marriage Jokes, Very Short Jokes About the Differences Between Men and Women. Now that we have your attention, get our awesomely funny app from Apple App Store for free. ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology – don’t buy it! I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen. ', The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". It’s the sudden stop at the end. Witty Single Liners. Enjoy laughing out loud to our new corny one liners. Also, let us know if you have any funnier ones by adding in the comment section below. All pro athletes are bilingual. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old. Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing. So if you’re ready for a good laugh check out these one liners hand-picked by us! You have a perception problem. If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better. - What's the definition of bravery? As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me. '", "My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo. I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you will never get it. Erich Segal. The pronunciation. If anything, it made him more sluggish. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — all it was doing was gathering dust. I used to breed rabbits. - The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Plus, a slice of lemon. - Seven days on a honeymoon make one hole weak. Then, it hit me. By using LiveAbout, you accept our. ", "Well I'm sure everybody here already knows about Murphy's Law...but you guys probably don't know about Cole's law, am I right? The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.

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